I Am Not My Own
Lillian, 3rd Congregation
Lillian
I grew up in China and I’m a fourth generation Christian. 80 years ago, my great grandfather was dying from an attack by an evil spirit and my great grandmother sought the help of a pastor. My whole family devoted their lives to Christ after my great grandfather recovered from that attack. Granny brought me to church since I was young. She sowed the seed of faith in my heart, and taught me how to pray.
However, a relationship with God cannot be inherited. During my secondary school days, the school began to teach the theory of evolution, atheism and science. My faith in God shook. I began to question, am I really created by God? Is the universe really created by God? I began to gradually move away from church and began my search for answers in books.
After graduating from College, like many young people, I chased after the glamour of life. I was eager to seek approval and acknowledgement from others. I believed that through my own effort I would find the meaning of life. I no longer thought about my relationship with God. I was arrogant and stubborn, very full of myself. I thought I had everything under control.
Well, I was wrong. My mother fell down and hit her head. She was paralysed. When the doctor informed me that my mother would become a vegetable, I suffered insomnia and I then started to think about the meaning of life. I started to listen to daily bread on the radio every day; I almost devoured the book “Streams in the Desert”. Through these times of trouble and hardship, God moulded me. I learnt humility, empathy.
In 2007, I joined a gospel rally. The testimonies, sermons and dedication of the members deeply touched me, but I struggled with the notion of me being a sinner, I reckoned I was quite a good person, not that bad. But God had more to say. In October of the same year, after watching “The Passion of the Christ”, suddenly I started to see replays of scenes of my life, as if watching my own life’s documentary in my mind. As I kneeled in the presence of the Lord, all the scenes of how I have sinned against God, where have I fallen short since young was shown clearly to me. I was devastated and wept heavily in sorrow. I was an utterly hopeless person! By the grace of God I repented and cried out to the Lord to save a wretched person like me. Suddenly I felt a gush of the of love poured into me; it pierced through my body from head to toe. I experienced the love that is beyond time and space. This is the love, of which Spurgeon said “the Lord had plucked me as a brand from the burning”, and which CS Lewis said “changed (me) from being a carved stone to being a real man”. My identity has been changed forever.
As Proverbs says, “A man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.” On the eve of Christmas two months later, I arrived in Singapore to work in the education industry. I joined a Chinese church and started serving in the church choir and fellowship.
Unfortunately, I became a “do-do-do” Christian. I thought I will find satisfaction and peace through serving in church, but that did not build my relationship with God. Unknowingly, I had replaced God with service in church. I understood why Earnest Becker said “No human relationship can bear the burden of godhood.”
Two years ago, I came to RHC, God provided for me a loving CG. At the same time, I started reading books written by the Puritans, which lead me to think about what worship is, what the real Christian life is. The life of the Puritans showed me that life was not divided into holy and secular, we serve and worship God in every moment of our lives. Paul told the Romans to “Offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship.” God wants us to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice, daily laying aside our own desires to follow him.
Over these two years in RHC, the gospel refined my faith. My life is connected to God’s messages, and I began to understand that Christians also still need the gospel. Spurgeon once spoke about the danger of being an unfeeling Christian and our duty towards the spiritually blind around us. This message touched me a lot. God has placed my family members, friends, colleagues and students around me. Have I invested enough time and effort into sharing the gospel with them? There is misunderstanding and rejection at times from these efforts. It’s painful, but it’s joyful.
In these 2 years at RHC, God has also equipped my relationship with my fiancé Isaiah. We attend CG, serve together, pray and share with each other weekly. Through these times, God has taught us to love as Christ loves his church and reminded us of our identities in Him. I would love to invite you to our wedding on 12 Dec, to witness the blessings that God has given us.
Due to the time constraint, I must end my sharing here, which could otherwise take up another 3 hours. I end with the Heidelberg Catechism Q1:
Q. What is your only comfort in life and death?
A. That I am not my own, but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, to my faithful savior Jesus Christ.
Dear brothers & sisters, we seek an abiding city beyond the skies, and we shall not be disappointed!
Thank you!