Finding Meaning in Life Through Jesus
Chloe, 3rd Congregation
Chloe
A few years ago around A levels, I felt a deep sense of meaninglessness and pointlessness in my life. To 18 year old me, I felt that if this was all there was to life, then perhaps there wasn’t a point in living anymore.
For most of my teenage years, my sense of self-worth and identity was very much tied to others’ approval, and most of the things I did was just to alleviate the deep sense of emptiness and loneliness I felt. I was surrounded for the most part with supportive friends and teachers, but could never dull the feelings of inadequacy and pain as they often arose.
Rather ironically, a non-Christian friend gave me a bible outside a club for my 18th birthday, purely as a joke because she felt that I “needed some holiness”. Shortly after, around the time my A levels ended, I started reading this bible with my JC music teacher. I can’t remember why I agreed to it, or what was drawing me to meet her every weekend to open and study the bible but looking back, I can only attribute it to being God’s hand.
As I was reading the book of Romans alongside John Piper’s resources, realising the full weight of my sin and depravity shook me deeply. All the reasons for my emptiness, unexplainable longing for something more and the description of the human condition suddenly made perfect sense to me, and as I prayed for God to open my heart and reveal himself to me, I believe it was around this time that he truly did.
It seemed as though it was almost overnight, but gradually at the same time, when my priorities and perspectives in life shifted from one that was always inward looking and outward facing, to no longer being held back by the same things that I used to be enslaved to. The need for constant human approval fizzled out, and I felt perfectly at peace not incessantly having to portray myself as someone I simply was not. For once in my life, I felt okay being myself.
For the most part, I still feel like a hypocrite. I continually descend into the same cycle of sin, feeling too guilty to repent, and then after some internal turmoil, coming back to the foot of the cross. But one big difference is that there is new purpose and meaning to every moment of every day; I no longer live in the same largely nihilistic existence that once filled my days with dread and senselessness.
Every thought, word, and action is filtered through the lens of the immense gratitude towards God for saving me when I certainly didn’t, and still don’t deserve it. It’s been years since God opened my eyes and heart, yet I sin daily and struggle greatly with living in light of this truth. But I’m always brought back and humbled every time I think about what Jesus has done for me, pulling me out of the depths of darkness and into his light.