Empty-handed but Loved by God
Crystal, 3rd Congregation
Crystal
I grew up in a Christian family and from a very young age, I learned what the gospel was about, that I was a sinner and that God had sent his son Jesus to save me from my sins. When I was 14, I attended a youth camp and we were singing the song “Majesty”. The lyrics go like this “Majesty, majesty, your grace has found me just as I am, empty-handed but alive in your hands”. I remember just feeling so overwhelmed by these words. I cried and cried and cried as I realized just how much God loved me. Despite me being a sinner, with absolutely nothing to offer, He chose to love me, He chose to send His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for my sins. At that moment, I realised just how much I needed Jesus in my life.
Through the years, there have been many instances when God reminded me just how much I needed Him. One of the more significant instances happened just this past year. Sometime last year, I started struggling a lot with anxiety. I’ve always been a highly anxious person. I had my first anxiety attack when I was 7 years old and continued to have them once every few years. But this time it was different. I was having anxiety attacks every few weeks, depressive thoughts, insomnia, and other health issues.
Through a combination of therapy, godly counsel and my quiet time with God, God revealed to me that a lot of my anxiety stemmed from my fear of being seen as incapable, weak or less than in other people’s eyes. I was cultivating inner thoughts, beliefs, and habits that fueled my constant need to prove myself. I had been going through many life changes in the last two years, which produced a lot of situations where those fears and thoughts could manifest. Every time I had an anxiety attack, I felt angry at myself because I perceived it as my inability to deal with my emotions and stress, which led to even more anxiety.
The bottom line was that I valued myself based on what I thought others thought of me. I was looking to anywhere but Christ to define my worth and I thought that I could do more to feel valuable. My pride and self-centeredness had pushed God out of the centre of my life.
Additionally, anxiety had made me more temperamental and I started to feel disdain towards people that made me feel incapable even though most if not all the time, that was never their intention. I became more and more unloving and less gracious. At some point, I knew I couldn’t keep living my life this way anymore and turned to God in repentance.
During this period of repentance and reflection, I was constantly brought back to 14-year-old me at youth camp, and the same lyrics that touched me then kept running through my mind. God reminded me that what I could offer didn’t matter, not when it came to the most important measure of my worth. When I stand in front of a Holy God, who is my Maker and my Judge, I am a sinner. I am everything I feared, incapable, weak, and as the song says “empty-handed”. But the Gospel says that despite that, God in his love, grace, mercy, and love had sent His one and only Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. It is only through Jesus Christ that I am redeemed from my sins, it is only by His blood that I am truly worthy.
My anxiety has gotten a lot better—praise the Lord. And as my journey with anxiety continues, I take comfort from the assurance that my worth is not in what I’ve done or can do, but in what Jesus Christ has done on the cross.
So, as much as I hated being weak, God is using it to bring glory to His name. As 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”