Freedom from Sin and Shame through Jesus
John, 2nd Congregation
John
Growing up in a staunchly Christian home, I openly told my friends at school that God was my Saviour and Lord. I was proud that I had a faith, tons of Bible knowledge, and innate musical ability. I was that annoying kid going around pointing out all the ways other Christians were worse than me – their music was too repetitive, their Bible studies too shallow, their relationship with God based only on emotion or circumstance. And yes, I was zealous to tell people about Jesus, but only to assuage my conscience or to prove that I was right.
Without realising it at the time, I related to God in three unhealthy ways: I saw him as my discipline master, vending machine, and fool. A discipline master because I felt He would only love me if I obeyed his rules, a vending machine because I only prayed when I wanted something from Him, and a fool because I thought I could fool God into thinking I was a ‘good kid’ even though I was living in a way that did not please Him. My struggles with sinful addictions, especially with pornography, worsened my sense of shame and reinforced my need to present a fake version of myself to Him that I thought He would accept. Underneath that facade was a broken, scared and confused soul. Deep down, I didn’t believe that I had a future with God in heaven, and I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that God not only loves me, but also likes me and wants to be my friend.
Slowly I began to realise that he wanted that relationship with me so much that he sent Jesus to die for me. That’s the beauty of the cross! He wants relationship not with some spruced-up, Instagrammable version of myself, but with the real, complicated, deeply flawed me. God is not my discipline master, but my loving Father. I realised that I needed to run to Jesus, confess my sins, and be clothed in His wonderful righteousness. So that’s what I did when I was 15. But that’s really just the beginning the of story.
Since putting my trust in Jesus, God has been softening my hard heart bit by bit. He has been working powerfully to release me from the chains of addiction and has brought brothers into my life to journey with me in vulnerability. He has also been helping me challenge my tendency to judge other Christians.
When I was at university abroad, God led me to meet my wife Paloma. In some ways, we couldn’t be more different – I’m Singaporean, she’s British. I practically grew up in church, she grew up in a non-Christian household. I used to be stiff as a rock during worship, she raises her hands in church and sings her lungs out. I remember thinking to myself – there’s so much about her faith that makes me feel uncomfortable, but I can’t deny the deep and powerful relationship she has with Jesus. I wanted that deep, vibrant relationship with Jesus that she had.
I began to see that there was no real basis for me to be judgmental towards other Christians – we are all sinners saved by grace. And the good news of salvation by grace through faith in Jesus really does apply to all who believe. I am so thankful that because Jesus rose again, we will all rise together with him one day. The Christians I used to judge are going to rise with me. I look forward so much to that day when we will finally be free from sin and I will call them my brothers and sisters for eternity.