My Test of Money
RJ, 1st Congregation
RJ
My name is RJ, and I came to Christ about a year ago!
It gives me chills as I just think through the last year! WOW - what our sovereign, eternal, omnipotent, faithful God can do! I am just so grateful for his love, mercy and grace!
My life was what many would from the outside call amazing – I had lived and travelled to many parts of the world, rose quickly through corporate chains, drove nice cars, rented a big house in Singapore, owned a place in the US, kids went to international school, a beautiful kind wife and so on. Simply said, I had all the material things that one could crave for but I was an absolute mess internally! I was always fearful, had a very low self esteem and projected an image of grandiosity. Having “no rock of my life”, I distanced myself from people and depended on too much alcohol as a way to control emotions or truthfully avoid them. I was even put on depression pills by the medical fraternity to take the edge off. Without a doubt, this had an impact on my family, with words acting like spears, me showing a Jekyll and Hyde personality and no relationship as a husband and dad. Things were coming to a quick end at work as well as at home in the middle of last year!
Certain events made me realize that I had to gain control, I went to rehab, counselling, self improvement programs and there came to realize substances and outward show of power were but symptoms of my emptiness, resentment and anger brewing within. While giving up habits took physical and mental strength, one is never successful till we realize that we have a spiritual malady or simply said, a sickness of not knowing God! This was a learning moment for me, but also a very confusing one. I had grown up in a Hindu family where there were many idols, my family had some great traits of selflessness and love, my close friends were Sikhs and Muslims – kind and generous, I knew many Buddhist monks as a child and Christians. Having the liberty to travel to many countries given my work, I decided to take advantage and seek who God was, by meeting leaders from various walks. One thing soon became clear, I knew I wanted to get faith in God and not be bounded by religion! My cry continued to be “I am feeling hopeless and lost, I don’t know who you are, please help me”
God is good and listens to your cries! I was with Izzy Soong who used to work at RHC, maybe he was just placed in Singapore for a year to help me, and as we spoke about my dilemma at a coffee shop, he pulled up a bible. We read Matthew 7:24-25 together, which says
“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.”
These words made an impact on me a few days later, I knew my best thinking was leading me nowhere. I had to give up control, and I needed to be willing first. I met Izzy again and we decided to take a leap of faith at a coffee shop.
Izzy had me meet Steve Murphy. Steve is today who I call my “Spiritual Father on Earth” always making time for me, helping me come off my feet, and pointing me to prayer and reading scripture. He showed me how a true Christian spreads faith, and gave me my first bible!
Steve and my initial discussions started by looking at the sins I had committed. There were many – being selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, putting “I” before thinking about others, been rude in words and not caring to my wife and kids and family, putting work and money before everything else, tied to alcohol very heavily, holding resentments when things did not go my way, fear, and ego being a common thread. All this made me feel very low and I blamed myself quite a bit. I remember speaking to Raymond, my rehab counsellor – an African man of few words and as it turns out, a devout Christian – who looked at me and said “Put your complete TRUST in Christ”
I started getting on my knees and just saying “God please help me” or “God please lead the way. I have brought my home life to a mess and I need your grace and mercy, make me learn more about you.” Words cannot express the feeling of acceptance I felt, and putting my faith in Christ, I soon began to notice changes in myself and my attitude. “Freedom came from surrendering”, and I needed to give up control to Christ our Lord.
God in his mysterious ways started putting faithful Christians around me like Manwin and Rick at RHC, and Richard, Joy, Chad and Pastor Paul in the US who taught me the value of fellowship and sharing feelings, constantly encouraging me to make time for our Lord and turning to the Word for answers.
I had more tests through the year learning to improve home life, changing jobs, and dealing with life on life’s terms without being alcohol dependent, but sober for 15+ months. What a mighty, loving and caring God, he is! God stood by me and with me, always comforting me that he is there, and will not leave me – when many very close to me wanted to leave me during my times of turbulence. I soon realized that I cannot selectively choose pieces of scripture that made sense and reject the others, it has to be a full trust! Slowly, the fears, anger, resentments, and obsessions that mattered in the past were getting less relevant by the day, and I started realizing that when I am at peace on the inside, I start projecting peace on the outside and life is an equilibrium which is meant to work God’s way. One scripture I absolutely cherish is from 1 John 4 which says,
“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”
I know I am not perfect, and never will be – I still have many areas to improve and relationships at home to mend, but I know that through prayer and supplication our faithful God hears our cries! I know that I am forgiven, I can forgive and show kindness by following the ways of God’s only Son, Jesus and ask the Spirit of Truth to lead my day. As I was writing this testimony, my son called it “Test of Money” and that made me think. Today my “Test of Money” or “Test of Net Worth” is not measured in dollars but it all starts with Jesus. He is the one who leads my way and my life. I realize that we need to surrender - not fight back - to win, and our lives will be better lived by his will and timing, before we are called home to him! It took me years to realize this and today I stand proud and grateful be a Christian first and to call Jesus my Lord.