Pursued and Urged by a Loving Father
Ying Xuan, 1st Congregation
Ying Xuan
I am Ying Xuan, a university student. I only started coming to RHC recently and became a believer just a few weeks ago, so I am really new but the past 3 months have been so amazing!
Life has always been a little bumpy. Over the years I thought that as long as I gritted my teeth and soldiered on, everything could be conquered. However, recent events that came one after another made me realise just how inadequate I was. I felt so lost, so out of control, so fearful.
There was this one particularly difficult day in October last year, when I felt I could not carry on. I took a bus and was just travelling aimlessly when it drove past St Andrew’s Cathedral, and something compelled me to alight. I did not know who God was then, but as I walked in, I felt this compulsion to bow my head and kneel before the cross, to repent and confess my imperfections. I did not have the courage to kneel then for there were tourists around. But as I sat there on the benches, tears poured down my face and words of anguish tumbled out as I spoke to God for the first time. Oh God, please help me. I think I am doing everything wrong. I do not know what to do anymore. Do you see this little black sheep, so broken and helpless? Please, please help me.
And He did.
Now as I look back, I realise that at that moment, when I felt most vulnerable, I was not alone. God was working His way into my heart, bringing me closer to Him, helping me understand that I needed help, I needed Him. He was giving me the clarity of the need for salvation and guidance, and the realisation of my own pride and self-righteousness.
Growing up, I was taught to be self-sufficient. Questions and weaknesses were shameful and even dangerous to be made known, so though I knew I needed God, it was hard for me to voluntarily ask for help, to actively seek for Him. I did not know how I could reach Him or where I could go to find Him. But He knew. Not only did He begin to fill my life with good people whom I will be eternally thankful for, He also gave me the courage to approach them.
Early November, a week after my visit to St Andrew’s Cathedral, I impulsively emailed a tutor in school whom I had only met once, but somehow trusted. He is a psychiatrist and hearing of my problems, came up with a management plan that I was not expecting. I had not told him about my encounter at the cathedral nor my desire to know God, but he said to me, try spiritual healing - it is the only thing that can help you. A few days later, he emailed me Giulia Muller’s details and the following Sunday, Giulia, who had no idea who I was, brought me to RHC. I was rather apprehensive at first but was soon put at ease by her warmth and friendliness. As she prayed for me during my first ever service at RHC, I felt a sense of peace entering me for the first time in weeks, and somehow I knew that I had found home.
From then on, I began to look forward to Sundays, thinking to myself that weekly Sundays were sufficient and I can just slowly get to know God. However, God did not stop there. He knew this sheep of His was so lost, she needed more help.
On my third Sunday at RHC, somewhere in mid-November, as I took the escalator down towards the exit after service, I suddenly became very urgent. This is not something that can wait, I must know more! I turned around and took the escalator back up and saw Pastor Simon. With a heart pounding wildly at my own brazen actions, I approached him. “Pastor, can I know more about Christianity? What do I need to do to become a Christian?” Simon was very busy that week but he took time, precious time out to meet and teach me, helping me take my first baby steps towards God. He gave me a book about the Gospel and introduced me to Ruth. And finally with Ruth, I read the first few passages of the bible in my life. She gently guided me as I stumbled through the verses and readily shared her own story, leaving me feeling inspired and eager to read and know more about His Word.
And so, step by step, He provided; and it is just beautiful how everything came together!
In the week after I met Ruth, as I read more and got to know more about Jesus, a sense of relief started to build in me. I can get that second chance, my sins can be forgiven, my prayers can be heard! I wanted, needed, must receive Christ into my life. After so many years of dilemmas and uncertainties in various aspects of my life, it felt so liberating to know that God, and Jesus and redemption is real and 100% true. And for once in my life I was not supposed to doubt myself!
That Sunday, in the 1st week of December, six weeks after I began my journey, I received Christ.
The morning after, as I woke from my sleep, the feeling of joy that surged through me was indescribable. I am now a child of God!! The bliss of salvation just embraced me from all directions and I saw hope and future all at once! How exciting life will be from now on, getting to know and growing closer to God with each passing day. So THIS is what Christianity feels like! Now that I know, it really makes me wonder what took me so very long.
Since that morning, I have remained in a state of bliss. The heavy burdens that used to weigh upon my shoulders seem to be lifted and even when faced with difficulty, there is an undercurrent of peace as I know everything is in God’s hands, the best hands. Besides, what are all these bumps on earth when we will soon be able to join Him in eternal life? Reading His Word, having my quiet time with Him in prayer, coming to church every Sunday to be surrounded by fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, joining CG, meeting up with Ruth to continue my bible reading, sharing my joy with the people around me… All these things are making life so much more fulfilling and purposeful, and sometimes I catch myself smiling just knowing I am now saved.
I pray that even as I get tempted by sin, I may never lose sight of Him or take for granted His holiness and mercy, always delighting in this joy of being His child!